The Power of Compassionate Communication: Exploring Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication
- drjoelasek
- Nov 28, 2023
- 7 min read
Updated: Feb 2
Friends, family and patients know that I am a big fan of books that explore the human experience and offer ways to improve our lives. Some of these could be categorized as “self-help” and some don’t necessarily fit that genre but still offer helpful knowledge and wisdom.
I hope to use this space to share titles that I have found particularly enlightening or helpful, with the focus on those that have the potential for greatest impact. When thinking of which book I would start with, the one that immediately came to mind is “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. I'd put this slim tome right at the top of the list of books I would recommend to anyone. This groundbreaking title offers us a profound framework that not only enhances our ability to connect with others but also fosters harmony, empathy, and conflict resolution in our personal and professional relationships.
What is Nonviolent Communication?
At its core, Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication, is a communication model that emphasizes understanding and meeting the needs of all parties involved, without resorting to blame, judgment, or aggression/violence. Marshall Rosenberg developed this framework based on the belief that, deep down, all human beings share common needs for things like love, respect, safety, and autonomy.
In the book, he introduces the concept of "jackal" and "giraffe" language. Jackal language represents communication patterns that involve criticism, blame, and judgment, leading to disconnection and conflict. In contrast, giraffe language (giraffes are the tallest land animal with the widest perspective and the largest heart) embodies the principles of nonviolent communication, emphasizing empathy, understanding, and the nurturing of relationships.
NVC consists of four essential components:
1. Observation (instead of sharing judgment/evaluations):
The first step is to observe and describe a situation or behavior without judgment or evaluation, much as a video camera might capture the moment. This helps create a shared reality with the other person. Instead of saying, "You always interrupt me," one might say, "I noticed that you interrupted me three times during our conversation."
This helps create a shared reality with the other person. The observation gives the context for our expression of feelings and needs and this part of the conversation is encouraged be as brief as possible (it may not even be needed if both people are clear about the context) because of the tendency to slip into judgment/evaluation the more time we spend here.
2. Feelings (instead of thoughts/interpretations):
After making observations, it's essential to express your feelings about the situation honestly. Feelings represent our emotional experience and physical sensations associated with our needs that have been met or that remain unmet.
Our aim is to identify, name and connect with those feelings. The key to identifying and expressing feelings is to focus on words that describe our inner experience rather than words that describe our interpretations of people's actions. This step requires self-awareness and the ability to identify and communicate your emotions. For example, instead of saying "I felt you were rude when you interrupted", you might say, "I felt frustrated when I was interrupted."
In this example you can see how an interpretation is disguised in "feelings" language. Feelings are one-word descriptions of your inner experience like sad, happy, angry, disappointed, ashamed, etc. and all their fine gradations (i.e. anger can further be expressed as irritable, frustrated, enraged, etc). Feelings can be expressed very simply as "I feel X". If you say, "I felt you...", that's an interpretation.
There's a saying in NVC, "Thoughts are dead, feelings are alive"
indicating how important NVC practitioners prioritize this step. They also recognize how challenging it can be given our culture's propensity to avoid talking about feelings. To help with this NVC provides this resource to help others begin to identify and express the full palette of their feelings:
3. Needs (instead of strategies):
In NVC, needs are those things that humans need for survival: hydration, nourishment, rest, shelter, and connection to name a few. We also share many other needs, though we may experience them to varying degrees and may experience them more or less intensely at various times. In the context of NVC, needs refer to what is most alive in us: our core values and deepest longings.
Understanding, naming, and connecting with our needs helps us improve our relationship with ourselves, as well as foster understanding with others, so we are all more likely to take actions that meet everyone's needs. The key to identifying, expressing, and connecting with needs is to focus on words that describe shared human experience rather than words that describe the particular strategies to meet those needs. If we include a person/location/action/time/object in our expression of what we want, we are describing a strategy rather than a need. For example, saying "I want you to come to go for a walk with me", may be a particular strategy to meet a need for love and connection. The internal shift from focusing on a specific strategy to connecting with needs often results in greater freedom and connection, as we can free ourselves from being attached to one particular strategy by identifying the underlying needs and exploring alternative strategies.
Feelings arise when our needs are met or not met, which happens and changes continuously. Our feelings are related to the trigger, but they are not caused by the trigger: their source is our own met or unmet needs. By connecting our feelings with our needs, therefore, we take full responsibility for our feelings, freeing us and others from fault and blame. And by expressing our unique experience in the moment of a shared human reality of needs, we create the best opportunity for another person to see our humanity and to experience empathy and understanding for us.
4. Requests (instead of demands):
The aim in this step is to identify and express a specific action that we believe will allow our needs to be met and then check with others involved about their willingness to participate in meeting our needs in this way. Requests in the moment are meant to foster connection and understanding and to determine whether we have sufficiently connected to move to a "solution request." An example of a connection request might be: "Would you tell me how you feel about this?" An example of a solution request might be "Could we please take turns speaking without interruptions?" An example of a demand would be "Stop interrupting me."
Perhaps most importantly, the spirit of requests relies on our willingness to hear "no" and to realize this is simply the beginning of a conversation where we work with ourselves or others to find ways to try to meet everyone's needs. In NVC, "no" is viewed as an expression of a need preventing the other person from saying "yes". We then work to seek connection and understanding to allow additional strategies to arise that will work to meet more needs for all involved. To increase the chance that requests can be responded to affirmatively, we use language that is as concrete and doable as possible. For example, instead of "I would like you to never interrupt me again", we might say "I would like you wot work on not interrupting me during this conversation?"
The reason NVC shies away from demands is that if someone agrees to our request out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, or the desire for reward, this compromises the trust between us and harms the relationship. While making requests doesn't always immediately get us what we want, we are more likely to get our needs met over time because we are building trust that everyone's needs matter.
People often find the fourth step, making requests, to be the hardest, because of what has been called a "crisis of imagination": a difficulty in identifying a strategy that could actually meet our needs without being at the expense of other needs. With time, and a deeper connection to our needs, our creativity can expand to imagine and embrace more strategies.
Benefits of Nonviolent Communication
Enhanced Empathy: NVC fosters empathy by encouraging individuals to listen deeply to others' feelings and needs. This empathetic connection leads to better understanding and more harmonious relationships.
Conflict Resolution: By addressing underlying needs and feelings, NVC offers a powerful tool for resolving conflicts peacefully. It shifts the focus from blame and fault-finding to collaborative problem-solving.
Improved Relationships: When we communicate with authenticity and empathy, our relationships with friends, family, and colleagues become more fulfilling and harmonious. NVC helps us build trust and emotional intimacy.
Personal Growth: Practicing NVC promotes self-awareness and emotional intelligence. It allows us to gain a deeper understanding of our own needs and feelings, leading to personal growth and self-compassion.
Learning to Practice NVC
While anyone can read the book and watch videos on NVC and immediately begin practicing it on their own, it often helps to learn more quickly (and is more fun) to partner with someone else to begin using it. Additionally, there are often local trainings and study groups available through towns, churches and community groups. There are several NVC workbooks that can be used in group settings to learn and implement the principles including Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook by Lucy Leu and The Ongo Book by Catherine Cadden and Jesie Wiens. Finally, The Center for Nonviolent Communication website is an excellent online resource for learning more about and implementing NVC: The Center for Nonviolent Communication | Home
Real-World Applications
Nonviolent Communication isn't just a theoretical concept. The book offers numerous practical exercises, examples, and real-life stories to illustrate the application of nonviolent communication in various contexts, from personal relationships to workplace conflicts.
1. Family: NVC can help improve family dynamics by fostering open and honest communication among family members.
2. Workplace: In the professional world, NVC can reduce workplace conflicts, enhance teamwork, and improve leadership and management skills.
3. Education: Teachers and educators can benefit from NVC in their interactions with students, promoting a positive and empathetic learning environment.
4. Conflict Zones: NVC has even been used in conflict zones and international diplomacy to facilitate peaceful communication and negotiation.
Conclusion
Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication" provides us with a powerful, practical and transformative framework for effective and compassionate communication. By practicing NVC, we can create a world where understanding, empathy, and collaboration prevail over blame, judgment, and aggression. Whether in our personal relationships or on a global scale, NVC offers a pathway to greater peace and harmony.
